Testimony 02  - FIC Member - "AArakel"

"No Longer a Homosexual"
 

I grew up in a home that was wrought with serious problems. My mother had ulcerative colitis, and was in the hospital for extended periods of time.  Ultimately, she passed away in May of 1971 from colon cancer. My father was very negative and critical. He made sure that I knew that I didn't meet his expectations.
 

I felt invisible, worthless, and defective. I used to think that if people knew what was going on in my head, they'd lock me up.
 

I grew up in the Armenian Church (Eastern Orthodox). However, my next door neighbor was the youth pastor at a more fundamentalist-type church. They were very much into scaring people into the kingdom by emphasizing hell.
 

My neighbor was the first man who took an interest in me. Unfortunately, that interest was generated by his sexual appetite toward me. He prevailed upon me, and I engaged in homosexual acts with the guy. He was quick to tell me, "Now, don't tell my wife; and we have to repent or else we'll go to hell. By the way, you're going to hell for being (Eastern) Orthodox."

I ended up hating God and mistrusting Him. I felt suicidal most of the time, and I had begun to develop the same intestinal problems that had claimed my mother's life. I was too scared to go to the doctor, and too scared to commit suicide. At least the fear of hell had one positive effect, eh?
 

The gay leather scene is anything but warm and accepting. Instead, it is marked by gross, perverted, degrading sex acts. The thing that I hated the most about it is that I could engage in the most intimate acts with a guy at night, and he wouldn't even acknowledge that he knew me the next day. Ultimately, I was actively involved for over 10 years. I engaged in everything from anonymous encounters in public places, to adult bookstores and adult theatres.

Through a series of events, I ended up going to SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous). It was there that I first began to get a handle on no longer engaging in sexual activity with other guys. However, I had a friend who arm twisted me into going online, amidst my protests. I'd heard of guys
getting hooked on porn and cybersex.

I was no exception to that rule. The hook was implanted almost immediately. The enemy of my soul made sure that I got connected with the very people and places online that would lead me further back into bondage. As that bondage tightened it's tentacles around me, I ended up lashing out at other people. Then, to relieve the guilt and shame that I was experiencing, I'd have to look at even more porn and engage in even more cybersex. So, the cycle continued.

So what changed? My heart did. I kept trying to meet my needs for love, acceptance, affirmation, and belonging through means that could not work. God brought me to a crossroad and gave me a choice.: continue on the way that things had been going OR step out into the deep, trust Him, and walk in obedience before Him. I chose to step out and walk with Him.

God showed me that guys aren't masculine on the inside: THEY'RE HUMAN. We ALL have strengths and weaknesses. I didn't need to keep trying to bolster my sagging masculinity.

Today, I'm able to do things that I'd never dreamed possible. My wife and I have been married 10 years, and we have two children-a 9 year old daughter, and a son who's almost 2. I'm at ease around other guys. I no longer view them as objects to be used to feed my lust and envy.

I'm part of a loving, supportive church and home group. I'm most likely going back to school for my MEd in Counseling. I'm no longer an addict because God is a God of second chances, and He made me into a whole new creation.

Signed: "AArakel"