Testimony 08  - Scott

Dear Brothers,

Here is my full testimony. My name is Scott and I grew up on Staten Island which is a small town outside of New York City. I'm the oldest brother between myself and my brother Steve. My father was a Police officer who was to my knowledge a loyal and loving husband and father. My mother was a housewife most of her life, she took care of us and loved us very much.

When I was about 9 years old, I remember the very 1st girl that I liked but was rejected by her and to this day, I remember the exact look of disgust on her face when she found out. I was devastated by the rejection. I vowed that I’d never let another girl know that I liked her or how I’d feel about her.

When I was about 12 years old I started to snoop around my parents' belongings and found some "Unlabeled video tapes". Was I shocked to find out they were porn and they were my dad's. He was supposed to be the father that I looked up to. Now that I’d discovered porn and how to masturbate on my own, my next door neighbor would visit my mom and bring over her 3 year old baby girl who I grew fond of.

I started to play with her upstairs in my room, then things went overboard and before I knew it, I started to touch her in all the wrong places. I guess I was trying to act out what I saw in those videos I’d found. This went on for a couple months and feeling horrible about what I was doing to this poor little girl, I stopped but I never told anyone fearing I’d go to jail for child molestation.

All throughout my teen years I was somewhat of a loner, I did have a lot of friends though, but I never had a girlfriend. I didn't do crazy things during my teen years but I continued to view porn and masturbate...that was as crazy as it got. In my senior year of High school I became friendly with a girl then began to develop feelings for her but again, I was rejected since she didn't feel the same way about me.

Talk about getting hit hard! Well from that moment on, I vowed again that if I were to ever date any girls, id' just use them for whatever I could get. I've only had sex with 2 girls in my life which is kind of amazing since I wanted to use girls in anyway I could....I guess I still feared rejection at the same time. Both experiences of sex were with girls I cared nothing about.

I was also in my early 20's when it happened. I never stopped the porn though and masturbation grew worse as I started to do it 3 times a day. Then I discovered phone sex and just hearing a girl's beautiful voice really did it for me. I wasted so much money on phone sex, literally thousands of dollars on what obviously never satisfies.

I remember one incident while I was going to college and working part time where I had gotten together with some friends from work and went to New York City. Well, let me tell you, I discovered that there were beautiful women who sold themselves for money as we drove around that very night. Before I knew it, I got hooked on visiting prostitutes and I would go on my own, late at night and search around for the most beautiful one.

I lost count on how many times I did this and remember the very last experience I had. 2 cops pulled up beside my car while I had this woman in the car and thought to myself, "This is it, I’m going to jail". The cop let me go with a warning. The Lord really had his hand on me even when I didn't know Him back then. Now here I am, 20 years old.

My parents get divorced largely due to my father's addiction to pornography and other types of sexual perversion. I was devastated but my brother was more devastated than I since he was closer with him. I went through years of bitterness, anger, and resentment from being left in a situation where my mom had no job and no way to support the household. We barely made ends meet but The Lord provided through financial aid I was getting in College and I actually had some left over after paying my tuition.

My mother finally got a job which was a God send and things really started looking better but we still didn't know The Lord yet. I still helped out between myself, my brother, and mom, we were finally making it but I still had bitterness for being put in such a position as the oldest male. I came to know The Lord at around 23 and just remember crying my eyes out during the altar call while receiving Jesus into my heart.

Years after, I stopped some of my old habits but my interest grew in internet porn and from time to time, made phone sex calls. I dated here and there during that time but would never have a serious relationship. As a matter of fact, my relationships never lasted. I never truly knew how to love the way Jesus does. Then here I am 31 years old and I just met my girlfriend Christina who was a Christian from the internet. Yeah, I know, the internet...not a good meeting place. This relationship lasted 8 months and we broke up about 7 months ago.

She was into deliverance/inner healing and thought she could heal me but I knew I had to walk out my deliverance from porn and masturbation. She said she'd stick by me through what I had to go through but deep down inside, I didn't love her. She said she loved me although I didn't believe it because it was proven in actions.

She tried to get me to move away from my family, closer to where she lives and for some strange reason, my family and her didn't get along. As a matter of fact, everyone I introduced her to said that there was something they didn't like in her and I could never put my finger on it. "God how could this be, she's a Christian girl, why wouldn't people like her and why would You give her to me?" All the while The Holy Spirit was telling me, "She's not for you, don't go there" but because she was beautiful and Christian I thought she's be the one God had for me.

After our breakup, I was devastated and dove right back into internet porn more than ever. I decided to move out on my own and get my own apartment since I’m now 32. The Lord provided an apartment and gave me favor with price so things started turning around. I knew I also had to get away from sneaking onto my brother's computer and surfing porn although I know that I can never run from my addictions.

2 months ago I found out about this accountability group called "Every Man's Battle" and have been going each week. The men there are passionate about serving Christ in purity and for the very 1st time, I feel there's hope for me!

Praise God for Brother Chris P. who is a good friend of mine and is leading me into a closer relationship with Jesus through The Holy Spirit working in him. He just happens to be co-founder of this accountability group. (If anyone happens to be in the NY City area, please feel free to attend our meeting anytime! Just figured I’d throw a little plug out for the group!)

Here I am now with all of you good brothers. Praise The Lord for his goodness, patience, and mercy.....I would not be here today telling you all of this if it weren't for Jesus!

In Christ,

Scott