Testimony 09  - Timothy

My childhood was typically dysfunctional, as were those of many of us, but no less hellish in the experience of it. My mother was an abused woman; my step-father was the classic, wife-beating alcoholic. As I've grown in my recovery I understand just how perilous my childhood was and how, at any moment, I could have been killed along with my entire family, by my raging step-father. I also know, now, that the hand of the Almighty God was hovering over me and my family to prevent that ultimate disaster. That was, perhaps, the earliest act of salvation done in my life by the loving Lord.

Among my childhood memories were long, seemingly endless nights hiding under the covers of my bed with both fingers jammed tightly in my ears until my head hurt, trying to shut out the screaming, shouting, and abuse being heaped on my mother by my step-father. He beat me with a leather belt, which had a large, heavy, brass buckle, and he did so often. His `core message' to me was: "You'll never amount to anything!" He was wrong.

The "saving grace" for me came during summers spent with my Godly grandmother, who laid the foundation for my spiritual life and salvation. I accepted God many times as a young person, never knowing if it `took.' I believe that was because I may not have understood God's plan or grace or was so afraid He would not accept me. I carried such doubting behavior into my adult life.

My exposure to pornography came through my step-father, who kept sex toys in his bedroom poorly hidden. He also kept a projector with 8 millimeter, silent, 5-minute sex films. I remember discovering it and the secret thrill of watching the movies while he was at work. I would act out sexually, of course, and there were times I got the film jammed in the projector and, thus, burned some frames. I'm sure he noticed this, but he never said anything.

As I came into adulthood, I sought porn out. Though I don't believe I was sexually abused, I was very sexually charged and felt I always had been. I acted out often and, eventually, had a sexual experience with another neighborhood friend (a young man) which evolved into a frequent, one-way sexual `relationship.' This person died in a tragic accident at the age of 18. I was shattered by this loss, but now believe his death took the homosexual element away from me, because after his passing I acted out sexually with other men less and less until my last sexual contact with men in 1985.

I did have sexual experiences with women, but all of them were prostitutes. I didn't feel worthy of a real relationship of any kind and, as with the men I had sex with, I knew I was looking for one thing: love and acceptance and belonging. I was just looking for it in the wrong places.

Pornography continued to play a role in my life. Magazines and videos were prevalent, though I dumped the magazines in favor of video around 1985. Later, I would relocate to New England, and the sexual use of porn would continue. It was tapering off in my life as I married in 1990 and was almost a non-entity. Then the Internet came along, and the access to porn resurged in ferocity, taking up tons of time in surfing for images and short films (MPEGS) and continuing to act out.

Over the past five years, God has been a returning presence in my life. In fact, I made a recommitment to Jesus in 1983, though I had trouble living the Christian life and porn still plagued me. When I married, I told my wife I "knew the difference between the fantasy images and real women and sex." That was also a lie and self- deception.

About two years ago I got more serious in returning to Scripture and, again, was the Prodigal coming home to the loving arms of Jesus. Since then, I've discovered the struggle with porn heated up all the more. That was because I had a growing desire to get free of it once and for all. I felt it was childish and, ultimately, being unfaithful to my wife.

While surfing the Internet I discovered an online course for breaking porn addiction, which I took and found beneficial. Finding Free in Christ was even better, as I could continue having accountability here and a place to check-in and confess regularly. I have found it also reminds me how important it is to `stay clean' and that only Jesus and accountability to other men can help.

I am convinced, now, that the permanent chain that holds me to porn is shattered, and that even when I act out I am quick to confess and get back on track with Jesus. The wins are coming very, very slowly, but they are coming more regularly and, best of all, I am discovering I am loving Jesus more and my sin less as the days go by.

Also, I am being more humble and grieving. Just recently I heard the song "You Are God" on a CD I sent for from Discovery House Music. In closing, I'd like to share with you the words that, lately, bring me to contrite and repentant tears.

In Jesus,

Timothy

p.s.  Here is a song that has helped me:

"You Are God"
        ©  David Robertson, Discovery House Music
 

You are God through all the ages,
You are God, through all the pages of my life
I find in every line Your love for me.
You are God, Who can I cling to
But You?…are God,

Your love still rings true after all this time.
Lord I still find no matter what seasons change,
No matter what in my life is rearranged one thing
Remains the same: You are God.
You are God in celebration,
You are God in tribulation when my faith grows weak,
Your face I seek, and You prove again that
You are God.

Who can I cling to but You?…are God,
Your love still rings true after all this time
Lord I still find no matter what seasons change;
No matter what in my life is rearranged one thing
Remains the same: You are God.
In the summers of my childhood,

I sang "Jesus Loves Me." In the winters of my life
You proved it to me. Through it all I've learned whatever trials
And struggles I go through,
Lord, you are faithful,
So I keep holding on to You.

You are God, I call you Father You are God,
You are the Author of my every breath,
Lord I find rest in Your loving arms.
You are God, Who can I cling to but you?…are God.
Your love still rings true after all this time.

Lord I still find no matter what seasons change,
No matter what in my life is rearranged,
One thing remains the same:
You are God.