Testimony 14 - David
Brothers in Christ.
It has been several months since I posted anything to this group. My
apologies to all of you for not giving you the support that I could
have offered in posting to the group.
On December 17,2003 I finally realized that I had an addiction to
porn and needed help. Through the next 10 1/2 months I have had
several periods of going two to three months with no porn in my
life. I would follow the porn free times with times of acting out
and going back to some old habits.
In Feb of 2004 I found this group and joined. The e mails and
support from the group has been good in helping to overcome the
addiction. Just knowing that I am not the only one with the struggle
is a comfort. During the following months I received the "Striving
for Absolute Purity" workbook and went through the study with a few
members of this group as partners. During the study for the first
time I realized that my addiction stemmed from selfishness and
pride. It is easy to admit selfishness and pride but impossible to
break under my own ability and power. Daily I am reminded of my own
selfishness and pride and that much of my life is lived for self and
not for the Lord who created me.
During the last few months the realization that the only way to know
the life that my creator God intended for me is to live daily for His
purpose leaving all else behind. This is easy to say yet much harder
to practice on my own when I am surrounded by the world and my family
has needs, wants and desires.
This last Sunday I taught a lesson on Christ healing the demon
possessed man and sending the demons into a herd of swine. As I
studied to teach the lesson I could see myself and how the demon of
porn had controlled my life and was still maintaining some control in
my life. In my mind I want to rid myself of porn forever yet I
continue to go to porn for relief, for pleasure, to meet my
selfishness and maybe to run from the intimacy the Lord is calling me
to. I am comfortable in my life and I know that when I reach a level
of intimacy with the Lord that he calls me to he will call me to a
new life, maybe giving up many of the comforts I now know. I want
to live for Him, for his purpose and in many ways my present life is
not fully living for his purpose. In much of the study I have done
on addiction a common theme is that as we reach for our addiction we
are really crying out with our need for Christ and for and intimacy
with Christ. I know the only way to leave the addiction is to allow
Christ and the Holy Spirit to work in me. Just as the demons
possessed the man and no man could contain him or control him I
cannot control the addiction or put it out of my life on my own. I
have to give the addiction to Christ for healing.
As I am healed from the addiction I like the demon possessed man must
tell others how Christ healed me and how he offers the gift of
eternal life. To this date only those in this group and my wife know
of my addiction. I continue to be afraid to admit to anyone the
addiction and habits, afraid of losing the respect of others, afraid
of the shame that it will bring to my family, afraid of the hurt to
my children to know that Dad is addicted to porn.
Lord, today once again I lay my sin at your feet. Only through your
strength can I be free of the addiction. Today I give myself fully
to you, submitting to your will and seeking the intimacy of the
relationship that you have called me to. I do not know where you
will lead me in this life or how long you will allow me to live in
this earthly tent. I do know that you have a place for me in
eternity and that I should live daily to build for eternal life not
worrying about the things of today. Lord I am a sinner and only
through your strength can I find healing and forgiveness. Thank you
Lord for your awesomeness and creation and making me a part of your
creation. Lead me Lord, Lead me.
Brothers, thank you for letting me be a part of this group and for
the messages many of you have sent and especially for the prayers you
have offered on my behalf.
In His Love,
David
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