Testimony 15  - Robert

My story begins at the age of 7. I was all boy. Full of life, fun, and no worries. I was secure, loved, and no clue what sex meant. But that changed when I was sexually abused three times. At that point in my life I was introduced to pornography and I had no idea what those pictures meant. This episode in my life created a lot of unwanted changes. It opened a Pandora's Box, if you will, of problems.

I lost my security, trust, and natural comfort around people. I began to M.., gain weight, and lose confidence in myself. Many friends that I had made in kindergarten and first grade were no longer friends. I shut myself off from the rest of the world for fear of being hurt again.

Being a preacher's kid didn't make it any easier. I had no close friends at church and the friends I had in school weren't close. Becoming a teenager was very awkward. Being overweight and out of shape (I didn't take any athletics) put me on the outside of the "popular" circle of people in jr. high and high school. However, I still made friends but I never let anyone get close. While in jr. high and high school, I fantasized continually about women and M'ed every chance I could get. Being isolated in a church that was legalistic and having a dad who believed dancing was wrong - I didn't even get to go to my senior prom - I had little social interaction with other teenagers and became more and more isolated growing up.

After I graduated high school and into my first years of college, I purchased a popular men's magazine that was pornographic. Although I had been exposed to this magazine when I was 7 years old, this time I understood what I was getting myself exactly into. I was 21 at the time, and, boy did it hit a nerve. It was like throwing gasoline into a raging fire. From that point, I began my descent into a wilderness. At 22, my father was fired from my church, adding to that my entrance into grad school and the discovery of the internet, and I was a prime candidate for sexual addiction.

From 24 up until two years ago, my addiction fully blossomed and grew out of control. I discovered the Internet when I was in grad school and instantly became hooked. I would spend hours upon hours filling my head with images. Also, at 24 I begin to experiment with gay pornography. As a result, I became deeply depressed and eventually at 26 attempted to kill myself. After my suicide attempt was unsuccessful (thank you Jesus!!) I became deeper involved in pornography on the Internet and discovered chat rooms which led to 1-900 calls and a burgeoning debt. Financially, I was just getting by.

After grad school, the addiction continued to grow with hours spent on the Internet and hundreds of dollars (truthfully, probably thousands) spent on 1-900 calls. At this time I was working in a highly stressful management job and had little time for friends and I sure didn't want to date anyone for fear of being discovered. All the while, I attended church 3 times a week and very cleverly hid my addiction from everyone, except God. No one knew. Between the ages of 26 and my present age of 34 (soon to be 35), I had three sinful and wicked physical encounters with other men, including one just last November. I was in bondage.

At the age of 32, I started counselling, first with Dr. Weiss in Colorado Springs and then with a local counsellor. This lasted for nearly two years up until September 2003 when I could no longer afford the costs. Yet, I was able to deal with some issues that my addiction was feeding off of, but not all. This past year, I have been growing albeit at a slow pace. I still have my days when I act out, however, I am beginning to count the sober days.

Today, I am in the process of moving on. When I hit 35 on February 4, I will have approximately - God willing - between 12,460 and 16,425 days left on this earth. (of course, if I live to be between 70 and 80). I am looking for a new job in a town where I have supportive friends and a Christian family. Right now, I suffer this addiction primarily alone, except for this group and the men I have met here, including Scotty, Chris, Brian, and others... (you know who you are). When I turn 35, on Feb. 5, I want to begin the 90 days of purity. This will be my one birthday wish... To be sober and form relationships. Right now, my relationships are few and far between. That has to change.

I became a Christian at the age of 12, so that makes me 22 in Christian years. I desire that the rest of my life be under His wings, not in rebellion as I have been for the last 10 years. I hope that my story will help others in this group to come to grips with this problem. There is only one starting point: God. And, once you surrender to Him, every day, you begin to live healthy. This is my goal. To live every day of my life healthy and in the approval of my Savior, King and Lord, Jesus Christ.

 
God Bless You,
 
Robert (BC)