Testimony 21  - Gil.

When I was young and very impressionable I was introduced to porn. The time was somewhere in the Sixties. My older cousin always had a different mag. each and every week of that summer. He gave me some to keep. The images I seen were captivating. I seen things that grown men have never seen. I know now that some of the images were illegal. Little did I know at the time how they would infect my whole life.

I grew up with a alcoholic father and an a very loving but sickly mother. She loved the Lord and spoke of his love often and tried to teach me. My dad was a sailor in world war 2. He cursed like one two. When I was around other boys I could impress them with my adult vocabulary.

When I was 11 my mother took very ill and had to be hospitalized until I was 16. I remember shaking my little fist at God for taking my mother away from me. My heart was broken to pieces I can recall crying for days. I lived with my grandmother and different relatives for years never feeling like I belonged anywhere.

My grandmother took me to church and spoke the living word into me. I accepted Christ and felt the call of God in my life. I loved church, until the church kicked out the preacher that I loved. He kept me for a few weeks while my grandmother was in the Hospital. I remember saying I wont go to that church anymore. I was true to my word for many years to come.

I was addicted to cigarettes by 16 years of age. Back in the day it was very cool to smoke. I fell in love at 18. After seeing her home several of us guys would go the star-view late XXX show. I married her one month before my 19 birthday. She was 16 years old. I carried her to view XXX shows She did not seemed to mind. In my frame of mind then I saw nothing wrong with it. I went threw hell for one and half years our marriage was a nightmare. I loved her so much, she was my first sexual partner. She tore my heart up and stomped on it. It seemed to me at the time my whole life was going to be just one disappointment after another.

I was back in the dating scene again. I went to a bluegrass concert one night and meet this girl. I did not know it at the time but this girl had a fire that I could not handle. She was good for my sex drive but not for my heart. I meet some of her neighbors and they had party and asked me if I smoked pot. I said sure but I had never even seen the stuff before. I did not even drink beer or wine. I thought of dad and his friends when someone mentioned drinking and I said no thanks. I wish I had not gone down that road. It would lead to more heartache. I loved smoking pot and it lead to different and more powerful drugs. I also developed a taste for alcohol.

In the next several years I lost everything I had twice and paid for two abortions. I remember crying to the Lord in my bed for forgiveness. The next day I continued on as nothing happened. I remember asking for forgiveness a many a night. I went back to the church of my youth and when I heard the word preached I melted. It sounded like peace to my battered soul. I accepted the word readily. The entire church came and shook my hand and welcomed me back. One week later I was back to my old self and did not look back.

My Mom died in the hospital that she had returned to several years earlier. The family was at the funeral home and I was riding around with a friend. I don't really remember why. I was so messed up in my head. I regret so much in my life. This hurts so bad to recall these events.

I moved back in with my granny for a while I got a new job at the local factory were I'm still employed. I cried out in despair one lonely night on the factory floor . Dear God send me someone that will love me more than I love them. I said that because I thought my love was so much larger than anyone else could give. I was tired of being left alone.

Time passed and I meet this girl at a dance club. She was attracted to me right off the bat. It wasn't long I had more women than I could handle. I thank God I chose the one he had for me because looking back the others were substitutes that were placed by the enemy. We were married several years later. I still was addicted to porn and tried to get her into it. She did not want any part of it.

A few years later were building a house and was staying with her dad to save money until our house was ready. My wife was also pregnant at the time. My friends at work planned a water skiing trip and I wanted to go. We put the two boats into the cape fear and was skiing down the river toward the ocean. This day trip turned out be a overnight er. We found ourselves docked at the Carolina beach inter coastal waterway. We hit the bars and later that night the guys were paring up with ladies to spend the night. God began to speak to my heart. He told me to grow up an become a man. Your wife and child are back at home worried about you. I called her a told her my situation. Her and my father-in law drove a hour and half to get me.

My first daughter was born and I looked at her little body under the warming light at the hospital. I was afraid. I was in love. I didn't know how to be a dad. I didn't want to follow my dads example. Dear God help me. My wife had postpartum depression or something because she became very hard to get along with. It was to the point that we were discussing separating.

Back at work I was being invited to church almost day. Finally, I went to a play. I did not know what to expect. I went in and saw that the stage was set up like heaven. The church was packed. The scene began with people coming forth after death to the judgment, some where accepted some where dragged off to outer darkness. There came a man who died of a lung disorder walking up to the gates. The Holy spirit was upon this man. He mimicked my mothers movements exactly, her pausing to catch her breath, the way she carried herself. I did not see him. "' I saw mama'' When she walked through those gates and threw that respirator down and lifted her hands in praise and began jump and shout. What can I say about that?

I began to weep uncontrollable. The hard crust of my heart was breaking. I did not go to the alter that night because I did feel good enough. I felt like trash and I didn't belong in church. I had gone to far away from God to go back now. I went back to that church a few Sundays later. The preacher gave the gospel and gave an alter call. I felt like I was standing waist deep the surf and could feel the current pulling me harder and harder. I refused to go up. I felt like there was this great deep canyon between me and the other side and there was no way that I could get there. I kept going back to the services and rejecting that call. One night before service I said to my wife. I am going to the alter tonight. The word was preached and the invitation was given and I felt nothing. I came home discouraged. I felt like God had given up on me.

I prayed that night. God I want you back in my life. Ive made a mess of it. Teach me how to be a good husband and a good father to my daughter because I don't know how. I remembered my aunt fasting before. I told God I would fast to show him I wanted Him back in my life. The next morning I woke up, I fixed my coffee and ate five cinnamon rolls of breakfast. My mind went back to my prayer after I ate. I got so mad at myself. I said OK you will not eat or drink until God says you can. It was a HOT spring day. We had no air conditioning in the plant. After my eight hours was up my mouth was so dry I could not even talk. I went behind #13 mold press and bowed my head and said " Lord I'm thirsty". I had a close encounter with an Almighty God. I felt the loving arms like that of a Father I never new wrap His arms around me and held me close. I felt the assurance of His love for me. He wanted me back. I ran to the water fountain and drank my fill. The story is not quite over yet. I went home and called every preacher I could not get anyone. I remembered my cousin. He was an associate pastor or something. He said we are having revival at our church this week and I will come and get you. Man I thought I would burst. I wanted to make a public confession or have a preacher to pray with me now.

I went into this church and things were different here than other churches I had attended. It seemed louder and when the music started to play everyone was singing and lifting up hands and actually worshiping God. Wow! I felt God all over me. The speaker began to speak on sin. He was really coming down hard on everything. He said go home and throw your TV out the door. My heart began to sink. I thought I cant do this. The speaker finished and he began the alter call. The music played softly and tenderly will you come home. I could hear the enemy telling me just turn and walk out like you did before and forget this foolishness once and for all. The pull of the Holy spirit was so strong I felt as if I was swaying. I heard laughter in a my head saying you cant do it. I remember the words my granny used to say ''devil your;er lair!'' I said exactly that. The chains were broken. I broke for the alter. My cousin met me there. I could not hold back the tears. It was if the tears were my confession to God and my total surrender to his will. My life has never been the same. I came home and my wife was holding our infant in her arms. I led my wife to the Lord that night. The next day I burnt my collections of Penthouse and Hustler and my video's. I also burnt my pot and everything else I thought was not of God.

That was almost eighteen years ago. My children of 17 and 15 will never see that old man for now I am a new Creature. They are both active in church. My wife is a Sunday school teacher and youth leader today. I have served as a teacher and on the board. Through the strength of Christ I quit smoking in 1994, something I tried to get rid myself of for years. God has blessed me with a family where Christ is in the center.

I joined FIC in Oct. 2005 because of some recent falls and lusting issues When I think of where God brought me from I cant imagine how I would go back even for a look but I did. God is faithful when I am not. He loves me even when I don't love myself. Thank you Father for your grace and mercy.

Winning the battle in Jesus,
Gil