Testimony 22  - Chris H.

I want you to know that I've read all of your emails with the greatest

interest and concern for your welfare. Know that my thoughts and prayers

are with you. I've longed to reply to every single email, but my heart is

so heavy with my wife on the cusp of leaving me that the responses I've

started suddenly seemed trite half-hearted, so I have not sent them.

My wife filing for a divorce is the consequence of my addiction to

pornography and masturbation. The wages of sin is death, in this case the

death of my marriage. There is hope for me and our marriage in Jesus, the

living Song of God, however. I am so grateful that Jesus paid the price for

sin. He will not always, however, take away the direct consequences of our

sins. The drunk driver may be forgiven, but the pain and damage of the

crash he or she causes is simply unavoidable. For many years, I have been

on a pendulum, swinging between sobriety and pornographic hedonism. Each

time I've gone away from God and into depravity, I have hurt the spouse that

I love so much. Though each time she "got over it", the wedge between us

deepened.

Understand that until a couple weeks ago, everything seemed just fine

between us from my perspective. We were friendly towards one another and

even loving. Then, she found that I was downloading a video entitled "Drunk

Sex Orgy." If you are even the least bit titillated by this title, think

about how my wife felt as she was reading it. It must have been the most

horrific punch in the gut, especially since, as she explained later, that

she comes from a family of alcoholics. Then understand that she was

sexually abused as a child. Lastly, the word orgy indicated to her that I

had not just fallen off the bandwagon; I'd blown the damn thing up.

Even with this horrible blow, she put on a brave face. It was only with

great coaxing that two days later I was even able to get her to admit that

what I had done had hurt her. That she was troubled was obvious. Getting

her to talk about being upset has always been a huge obstacle. She just

hates to do it. Some spouses of addicts yell and scream. Some seethe until

something in them just dies. Mine is the latter.

A week after the "incident", even though almost all of her words and actions

indicated things were fine, she timidly told me that she wanted things to be

over between us. I've told you some about that conversation. I told her

that I did NOT want a divorce, and that I was willing to do whatever was

necessary to preserve it. Her response was that while she had kept telling

herself that she would once again get over it, she no longer wanted to.

At one point, I made an action plan and commited to following it. It

includes:

1. Canceling our internet service and everything but basic cable.

2. Going to marriage counseling and if wanted or needed, individual

sessions.

3. Daily prayers as a couple.

4. Attending support group meetings every week (work excepted)

5. Cut back on graduate studies commitment as needed

6. Having family night once a week

7. Date night once a week

Right now, I'm following the action plan to the letter, and our relationship

is friendly but certainly not intimate. It was after our first marriage

counseling session that I learned she had filed for divorce. Dating-wise,

we're basically starting over, and we're not even to the holding hands stage

yet. We may never get there again. God willing, though, we will get past

this and be closer than ever before in our marriage.

Bretheren, I was not an abusive spouse verbally or physically. I was not

neglectful. I believe I have been kind and patient, even through her bouts

with depression. In the end, though it may have kept us together these nine

years, it has not been, nor do I believe it can be, enough to overcome the

consequences of using pornography.

I know that this email has gotten lengthy, but I want to end it by

testifying that I still have hope for my marriage, because I know that God

can soften any heart. I testify that there is freedom in Jesus Christ. He

lives. He loves us. My debt to Him is beyond my imagination I'm sure.

Every day I pray that I may love Him more and more. I ask God to mold me

into a Christian in the truest sense. I believe that God has inspired the

creation of Free In Christ, and I'm grateful to each of you who have had the

courage and desire to post on this forum. My Lord and Savior is freeing me

from my compulsion to sin. How prideful I have been that it should take an

imminent divorce to get me to sever the internet when it has been the very

gateway to my addiction! (filters = less effective) But God can remove any

obstacle, can't he? I actually WANT the computer to be disconnected! If

that isn't a miracle, I don't know what is. I beg and plead to my Heavenly

Father that my heart may be completely turned over to Him, with no nook or

cranny held in reserve.

My dear brothers, please continue to pray for my family and myself. There

is power in prayer. I really believe it. I'll check in occasionally. In

the meantime, please use my sad story as a testament to the results of

living for selfish pleasure. Shun pornography. Get it out of your houses.

Please, oh please, eradicate it from your lives. Fill your lives with

service, the scriptures, and wholesome activities. You'll never be sorry

and God will bless you forever for it. I testify it in the sacred name of

Jesus Christ.

Take care, and may God's will be done in all things.

With love for each of you,

Chris H.