Overcoming Shame

Overcoming Shame 4 of 8

Dear Brothers in Christ,

When we base our self-worth on past failure, dissatisfaction with personal appearance, or bad habits - most certainly including illicit sex - we often develop a false belief: I AM WHAT I AM, I CANNOT CHANGE, I AM HOPELESS. This lie binds people to the hopeless pessimism associated with poor
self-esteem.

It also is a powerful source in our sexual acting out, as we desperately seek relief from the LIE OF WORTHLESSNESS OR INADEQUACY.

"I just can't help myself," some people say. "That's the way I've always been, and that's the way I'll always be. You can't teach an old dog new tricks." We assume that others should have low expectations of us, too. "You know I can't do any better than that. What do you expect?"

If we excuse our failures with an attitude of hopelessness too often, our personality can become glued to them. Our self-image becomes no more than a reflection of our past.

A brother recently questioned me when I told him that he needed to separate his past from the present, and that NO NATURAL LAW dictated his having to remain the same individual he had always been. I told him that he COULD CHANGE, that he could rise above his past and build a new life for himself.

"But how?" he asked. "I'm more of a realist than that. I know myself. I know what I've done and who I am. I've tried to change, but it hasn't worked. I've given up now." (Such sad words.)

I explained that he needed a NEW PERSPECTIVE, not just new efforts based on his OLD PESSIMISTIC attitude. He needed to develop a new self-concept based on the UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE OF GOD. Both this brother's past failures and God's unconditional love were realities, but the question was which one would he value more. If he continued to VALUE HIS FAILURES, he would continue to be absorbed in self-pity and seek sexual medication. Instead, he needed to be HONEST.

He needed someone he could talk to openly, so that he could express his feeling without the fear of being REJECTED. And he needed to be encouraged to STUDY AND APPLY THE TRUTH OF GOD'S WORD. As he persisted in this process, he sense of self-worth would begin to change. In addition to a changed self-worth, he would eventually experience changes in EVERY area of his life: his goals, his relationships, and his outlook.

Too often, our self-image rests solely an evaluation of our past behavior, being measured only through a memory. Day after day, year after year, we tend to build our personalities upon the rubble of yesterday's personal disappointments.

Perhaps we find some strange kind of comfort in our personal failings. Perhaps there is some security in accepting ourselves as much less than we can become. That minimizes the RISK of failure. Certainly, if we expect little from ourselves we will seldom be disappointed!

But nothing forces us to remain the mold of the past, brothers. By the GRACE AND POWER OF GOD, we can CHANGE! We can PERSEVERE AND OVERCOME! No one forces us to keep shifting our feet in the muck of old failures. We can DARE TO ACCEPT the challenge of building a new life.

A counselor once told me something I never forgot: He compared life to a man hanging from a trapeze. The trapeze bar was the man's security, his pattern of existence, his lifestyle. Then GOD swung another trapeze into the man's view, and he faced a perplexing dilemma. Should he relinquish his past? Should he reach for the new bar? The moment of truth came, my counselor explained, when the man realized that to grab onto the new bar, he must release the old one. (God bless you, Pastor ----------.)

Our past relationships may involve the intense pain of neglect, abuse, and manipulation, but if we do not begin the PROCESS OF HEALING, we will be unable to experience the joy, challenge, and yes, the potential for failure in the PRESENT.

I have struggled with this PROCESS OF CHANGE for the greater part of my life. It may have been that I was raised in a poor family; it may have been that I was abandoned; it may be that I never felt loved and thus sought "affection" in all the wrong ways. For whatever reasons, I grew up with a SENSE OF SHAME about myself and my circumstances.

I often felt inadequate during my childhood. I had the constant impression that I just didn't measure up. My sense of inadequacy, reinforced with the shroud of rejection, was often quite intense. Intense, did I say? How about 24/7?

The threat of potential rejection prompted me to withdraw, preferring instead to seek those who could "affirm" me in inappropriate ways.

The TRUTH that I am deeply loved, fully pleasing, and totally accepted by the God of the universe has taken me a lifetime to comprehend. But gradually, by studying God's Word and by experiencing loving relationships with other believers who genuinely care for me and appreciate me, I have continued to gain a better understanding of the way GOD VALUES ME. This has improved my sense of self-worth considerably.

Many of my past memories are still painful for me, and I suspect they always will be. But THROUGH CHRIST, my present attitude about myself and sexual degeneration is gradually changing. Knowing that I HAVE NO REASON TO FEEL ASHAMED has motivated me to pursue a number of challenges that I wouldn't even considered pursuing before I was born again in 1990. In the process since then, I have experienced failure and success. GOD HAS USED EACH INSTANCE TO *TEACH ME* THAT DESPITE MY CIRCUMSTANCES, MY WORTH IS SECURE IN HIM!

We all need to be HONEST about the pain, the anger, the disappointment, and the loneliness of our past. We need to put ourselves in RELATIONSHIPS that will encourage us to feel what we may have suppressed for many, many years. This will enable us to begin (or continue) to experience HOPE, and eventually, sexual healing ... in fact, all kinds of healing. CHANGE IS POSSIBLE, BUT IT IS A PROCESS. ("Progress, not perfection" ... remember?)

Does this seem strange? Does it seem difficult? We may have difficulty relinquishing what is familiar (though painful) for what is unfamiliar because our FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN often "seems" stronger than the pain of a poor self-concept. It seems right to hang on where we are. But Proverbs 16:25 says, "There is a way which seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death."

Any change in our behavior requires a RELEASE from our OLD SELF-CONCEPT, which is often founded in failure and the expectation of others. We need to learn how to relate to ourselves IN A NEW WAY. To accomplish this, we MUST begin to base our self-worth on GOD'S OPINION OF US AND TRUST IN HIS SPIRIT TO ACCOMPLISH CHANGE IN OUR LIVES! Then, and only then, cherished brothers, can we overcome Satan's DECEPTION that holds away over our self-perception and disobedient behavior.

By believing Satan's lie (I am what I am, I cannot change, I am hopeless), we become vulnerable to pessimism and a poor self-concept.

I leave you with the following and wonderfully uplifting scriptural truth:

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me" (Galatians 2:20).
 

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