Overcoming Shame

Overcoming Shame 5 of 8
 

Dear Brothers in Christ,
 

By definition, SHAME is a deep sense of inferiority. Feelings of inferiority can result from prolonged patterns of failure, or they can stem from only one or two haunting instances. Either way, they can destroy our SELF-WORTH, and as a result, adversely affect our emotions and behavior. These perceptions of ourselves aren't easily altered, but they CAN change through honesty, the affirmation of others, the truth of God's Word, the power and encouragement of the Holy Spirit, and time.

Precisely because of CHRIST'S REDEMPTION, we are worthy, forgiven, loved, accepted, and COMPLETE IN HIM!

Yet shame can have powerful effects on our esteem IF WE FAIL TO ACCEPT THIS TRUTH. It can manifest itself in many ways, aside from the INFERIORITY just mentioned. Drawing from my own experience and counseling sessions, the following is a general list of the common problems we might experience with shame:
 

1. HABITUALLY DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR. We often behave in a manner that is consistent with our perception of ourselves. Therefore, seeing ourselves through the eyes of shame instead of through the loving eyes of God usually results in a pessimistic outlook on life and a lifestyle of destructive behavior.
 

2. SELF-PITY. Shame often prompts us to view ourselves as victims. Consequently, whether we blame others or condemn ourselves for our actions, we sink into the depths of feeling sorry for ourselves.
 

3. PASSIVITY. Some of us try to compensate for gnawing feelings of shame through passivity, refusing to invest any part of ourselves in relationships and responsibilities. We may be compulsive perfectionists in some areas of our lives, but may avoid taking risks in relationships or circumstances. We may tend to become engrossed in "sidetracking" activities (clipping coupons, cleaning the garage, filing papers, reading magazines, woodworking, etc.) so that we are "too busy" to experience the reality of developing a RELATIONSHIP with God and others. We need to take RESPONSIBILITY for our behavior. Passivity is the characteristic that can push us over the edge into near-commitment to sexual idolatry.
 

4. ISOLATION AND WITHDRAWAL. Isolation is often a corollary of passivity. Avoiding both the risks of rejection and failure, some of us WITHDRAW from virtually ALL meaningful interaction. We develop masks, sot hat nobody can see our hurt. We may be socially active, but may not allow anyone to get really close to us. We are often afraid that if people REALLY knew us, we would again experience hurt and rejection. Our deep sense of shame leads us to withdraw from others, feel isolated, and experience the pain of loneliness.
 

5. LOSS OF CREATIVITY. When we are ashamed of ourselves over an extended period of time, the cutting edge of our creativity wilts. We tend to become so preoccupied with our own inferiority that we are unable to come up with new ideas. Often believing that whatever we attempt will fail, we may choose to avoid doing anything that isn't a proven success and relatively risk-free.

In my own case, however, the opposite effect took place. Apparently I USED my inherent creativity to CREATE a mask that made me APPEAR to be "wonderfully creative" ... director of school plays, director of church musical, published poet, blah, blah, blah. It was all abuse of what Christ had given me ... I just distorted it to cover up my shame instead of allowing him to free me.
 

6. CODEPENDENT RELATIONSHIPS. In an attempt to overcome their sense of shame, many people become CODEPENDENT; that is, they depend on being NEEDED by a family member or friend who has an addictive problem or compulsion. Codependents thus develop a need to "rescue" and take care of others. This caretaking is the codependent's subconscious way of trying to gain personal significance. Such attempts usually backfire, however, because dependent persons often USE SHAME to manipulate the codependent.

A frequent ploy is to tell the codependent that he or she is being "selfish" for taking care of personal affairs rather than those of the dependent person. This locks the codependent into a hopeless pattern of "rescuing" to gain approval and feeling ashamed because of his or her inability to develop a sense of personal value, regardless of how hard he or she tries to do so.
 

7. DESPISING OUR APPEARANCE. Beauty is highly valued in our society. Hollywood, television commercials and programs, magazine ads and billboards, the Internet - they all convey the message that PHYSICAL BEAUTY is to be prized. But very few of us compare to the beautiful people we see in these ads and programs, and most of us are ashamed of at least one aspect of my appearance.

We might spend hundreds of dollars and an inestimable amount of time and worry covering up or altering our skin, eyes, teeth, faces, noses, thighs, and scalps, refusing to believe that GOD, in his sovereignty and love, gave us the features he wants us to have. Does this truth begin to open your heart to some self-love?

For years I refused to look at myself in the reflection of store windows and even mirrors. But as I allowed the Lord Jesus to CHANGE my heart and mind, he truly affirmed the old saying, "Beauty is only skin deep." Those lepers and beggars and blind and lame didn't seem to have any problem with a desire to win a beauty contest. They praised GOD when they were able emptied of sores, able to work, given their sight, and walk. Physical beauty paled in contrast to those most merciful and compassionate gifts of Jesus.
 

Again, brothers: PRECISELY BECAUSE OF JESUS CHRIST'S REDEMPTION, WE ARE WORTHY, FORGIVEN, LOVED, ACCEPTED AND COMPLETE IN HIM!

There is no place for the lies of shame in our NEW life in Christ.

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